May 23rd/2016 

Nairobi, Kenya – Beloved preacher Daniel Kanyari suddenly passed away on Sunday night in a situation that has local authorities concerned about organized crime in the area.

On May 22nd/2016 at precisely 10:03pm, Father Kanyari was supposedly struck by an unknown entity while giving a sermon at his parish. Oddly, not a single one of the parish members who witnessed the collision were able to identify the source of the impact, a fact that has roused suspicion of collusion and organized treachery. According to the “parishioners” present, the good preacher then proceeded to blow up from the inside out for, again, no good reason that any one of them could recall.

amc-preacher-in-memoriam-daniel-kanyari-irungu-mutu-outsideKenyan authorities were called to the scene immediately and promptly rounded up all thirty blood-soaked suspects who were in the church at the time of the horrible crime. They have all since been charged with first degree murder.

“It’s pretty bizarre,” said Commissioner Mutu, head of the Nairobi police force. “It’s like they aren’t even trying to come up with an alibi or anything. I mean, seriously, all these people here and not one of them talking? And the best they can come up with is he gets attacked by some transparent foreign entity, whatever that means, and then he  just blows up on his own just like that? Parishioners? Yeah right! More like the mafia!”

The coming trial is gaining extensive press attention already due to the fact that most of the accused are unfit to stand trail.

“They are all mentally unstable, that is clear,” said Doctor Irungu, Nairobi hospital’s primary psychologist. “I have never seen anything quite like it before. It would seem that in the aftermath of the murder, they are each trying to morally compensate by referencing the old testament, in particular, the book of Genesis. It is all they will talk about. I must confess, I am unsure of the relationship between the bible and the motivations for their collective criminal activity at present.”

The court case itself is slated to begin early next month. The lawyers for the accused were unavailable for comment.